So my girlfriend had this problem falling asleep. She’d lie there scrolling through her phone until 3AM, then complain about being exhausted next morning. After watching her yawn through dinner for the third straight week, I went “screw it, let’s try bedtime stories.”
The Awkward First Try
Grabbed some cheesy fairy tale book from my niece’s last visit. Sat beside her bed feeling like an absolute clown. Started reading in this stiff, robotic voice. Got through three sentences before she snorted: “Are you reading a software manual? I’m getting bored, not sleepy.” Total fail.
Shifting Gears
Next night, ditched the book. Made up a stupid story about our coffee machine gaining sentience and demanding better beans. Threw inside jokes about her burning toast every morning. Saw her shoulders shaking – not crying, laughing under the covers! Key realization:
Personal > Perfect: Our inside jokes beat Prince Charming crap
Embrace weird: Talking sloths work better than knights
Timing matters: Slow rambling = snooze, rapid-fire = alert
The Serial Experiment
Turned it into a nightly ritual with these rules: 1) Must involve one mundane object in our apartment 2) Characters talk like us 3) Absolutely zero moral lessons. Our toaster became a stand-up comedian. The yoga mat started complaining about being left rolled up. The stories got progressively weirder and shorter.
Game-Changer Moves
Started ending stories mid-sentence when her breathing slowed. Let her pick tomorrow’s “star object” each night (she chose the dusty juicer once – tragic backstory guaranteed). One time I fell asleep first, woke up to her finishing the story about my snoring travel pillow. That’s when I knew it clicked.
Three Months Later
Best side effects nobody warns you about: 1) Her phone now charges OUTSIDE bedroom 2) We’ve got this whole universe of inside jokes 3) Honestly? My bullshitting skills leveled up big time. Last Tuesday she actually begged “one more story” like a kid. Felt like winning the damn lottery.
